Freedom

I love how Chase has a credit card called Freedom..... And the theme song that goes with it.. Free to do what I want any ole time..... While sitting in my dentist office one of the patients pulled out his Freedom card...... I heard the office manager politely tell him. Sir the card is declined. Well I guess it's not so Free when you owe $5000 in credit card debt..........

Sex

Sex for me has never really been a marathon... It is usually a spirt... I get get runner cram real quick and i am not one for endurance. But my wife is all in to four play now and it's like I married you or any woman so that we no longer had to do this bullshit... So I am now setting her phone reminders to vibrate and say time for lovin... so it is like the vibrations is the four play. has does that turn you on baby....

The wife is still hounding me about romance... So I ask her simple questions for example "want to ride my pony?" nothing is romantic like horseback riding..... gidddeee up...

Labeling........

Ever notice everyone has to label you......... People have to make you fit into a certain category...... Black or white... Simple....... Jewish or Christian... basic......... Fat or Ugly............. Well recently I have been labeled the alcoholic at work.... People are so harsh... Just because I put vodak in my water bottle and usually slur my words before noon doesn't mean I don't put in a productive work day... So they tried to do an intervention and I was like fuck you that is your insurance premium that is gonna go up if I get help bitches... So you helping me is basically fucking yourselfs.... They no longer label me anymore.....

I Don't Beat My Children Enough!

I will admit that I don't smack my children enough.... I feel their are certain times when you should really smack them on the butt and I never have the heart to do it.... But when they set in the street or almost touch the oven, I have no problem smacking them then. I feel if the pain they could receive like getting hit by a car is worse it makes it easy to smack them.

My middle child doesn't flinch when I smack him. If you look in his eyes he goes to this special place in his head... He is three years old and already has a special place to go to. Then when I am done he looks up at me with a smirk in his eyes and if I could read his mind he is saying "that's all you got PUSSY!"

So I am using a different strategy.... I am now telling my kids I am giving them away if they aren't good. And that seems to work... I have them in tears..... When my mom use to say that to me I was like please bitch we don't have cable television. Maybe the home you send me too will have MTV...

I Got Married So I Don't Have to Read Directions Anymore!

Why read when you have a wife. That's her job. She needs to figure it out and just give you cliff notes.

Cheating

Honestly.... Who the hell isn't cheating nowadays...... I feel like I am the only schmuck that is not fucking around on my wife. Hookers don't count cause 1. you pay them. 2. they don't enjoy it. and 3. its like their job.. Cheating involves both parties enjoying a good solid fuck together.... But really... People who cheat are selfish... at least if you cheat on your wife have the girl cook her some dinner once in a while, maybe clean up the place, do some laundry.... And if your cheating on your husband and the guy is not mowing your lawn, or taking out the thrash, you are a selfish bitch....

McCafe

McCafe... because adding the Mc to anything makes it refined and delicious. Don't get me wrong McDonalds has some really good coffee. But call it coffee don't try to dress it up with McCafe........... McCrap, it craps better cause we added the Mc............