Messed Up Parenting Tip # 65 Teaching Your Children to Eat Healthy http://bit.ly/fBArPk

Messed Up Parenting Tip # 64 How To Bring Your Children Back Down To Earth http://bit.ly/fRXvrj

Messed Up Parenting Tip # 63 Teaching Your Children To Eat Healthy http://bit.ly/eA04s2

Messed Up Parenting Tip # 62 Talking to Your Children About Drugs http://bit.ly/ap2aDC

Messed Up Parenting Tip # 54 Teaching Your Child Failure Is Not An Option http://ping.fm/WCiLe

Messed Up Parenting Tip #53 Don’t Hug Your Children You Might Get Lice http://ping.fm/Z2uai

Marriage

Marriage is like a vagina when it stops feeling good it's time to move on. For a long time I would introduce my wife as such "Hello, this is my first wife, Jenny." But it was for all fun and games until I realize she didn't cook me dinner tonight, then I started questioning everything. The foundation of our happy marriage rest upon two certainties, 1. I always have a meal on the table upon entering from a long day of hard work (i.e sitting at my desk for 8 hrs looking like I am working). 2. I always have a pair of fresh underwear when I get ready for work..... Both have failed today....... In this hard economy it is important to have a fresh pair of bloomers because at and minute you could be laid off and shitting your pants. Have you ever shit your pants when they where already dirty. Disguising!

Awkward Public Situation

I find it amusing that some of my most social and outward friends are often so weird and quiet in the bathroom. It seems to be the one place that is often more verbally quiet then the library. I say verbal only because certain other sounds of farts and the obvious results of farts a kerplunk a dump momma shit....... So I love to break the normal routine of the day by walking into a Men's bathroom, heading straight to the urinal, propping both arms on the urinal stall walls in a relaxed look, and screaming at the top of my lungs "It Burns! It fucken Burns like razor blades." Sometimes I add a bit of an English accent for flavor!

Suicide

I really wish suicide was an option for me. Not in a cry for help way or a dramatic look at me I need attention but more for a good nights rest for eternity. I don't feel like I am getting enough sleep and I feel like that might be a solution. Death! I have also gone casket shopping for the most comfortable Sealy's mattress lined caskets.... Cause when you are sleeping forever that shit has to be top notch. I want to snuggle up in my casket and get some eternal shut eye...

Facebook IM

I hate when your friends on facebook instant message you... That is such an invasion of privacy. Its like if I really liked you I would have your fucken number and I would text you! If I considered you a friend then I would have you blackberry messenger address and I would BB message you! I don't come and shit on your lawn why would you shit on my facebook with your invasive ways!

Drugs = Fun

Drugs aren't bad. Think about it? How can something so fun really be bad? Well I guess if you don't count possible death as a side effect. Drugs are still number one for recreation. It's just when you start doing other stuff like stealing of sucking dick that's when it's a problem.

Hooker IOU

Ever give a hooker an IOU it gets kind of ugly quick. But I am sorry you are stupid if you don't get the money up front. The bitch gets all upset like I need my money now to give to her pimp or something.

Georgia

I always encounter some kind of weirdness in GA. First it was a guy that just talked funny. Then one trip we made a pit stop and as my dick was in my hand and I was peeing. This guy walks into the bathroom and asks if I am almost done.... Like my dick has an indicator that fucken tells me how much urine I have left. But today takes the fucken cake.... While I was pumping my gas.... Just all alone minding my fucken business. The gas station attendant starts reading me hymns from the bible....... I politely told him I was a Jew.... Then he started reading from the old testaments..... WEIRD!

The Easter Bunny

Mikey wants to know how the Easter Bunny gets in the house, because Santa comes down the chimney. So how does a big bunny get in?..... I said it is magic! Mikey replies Magic doesn't open doors......... My reply was "It's fucken Magic Mikey!"

PG13 with the Kids

Yes my children are young like 4, 5 and 8... But I allow them to watch PG13 movies... Why because it is the only thing that catches their interest and will keep them still for more then 5 mins.

Fat Girls at Abercrombie

I love watching fat girls go into Ambercrombie and try to fit in the clothing. Nothing amuses me more than a shattered self imagine and the need to go on a diet. Well the size 2 jeans didn't fit off to the food court.

I am wondering if farting could prevent hypothermia?

Could the warmth of a fart prevent hypothermia? Could your gas be so warm that it helps to warm your soon to be freezing body.

Who said?

I was pondering the saying " going to drop the kids off at the pool?" Who was the first person to say that? How does that relate to taking a crap? Then it occurred to me, kids are little shits!

I love when people don't get things

I love the way people look when they "JUST DON'T GET IT". They have this look in their eye similar to a retarded kids that lost the event in the special olympics. They have a certain glaze and they seem to disconnect from the situation so that they end up not completely going bat shit and freaking the fuck out. And they look at you for some sort of verification that they are not stupid. They say things like "This thing is fucken impossible. Do you get it?" And I usually concur just to make them feel good about themselves.

Buying Stuff in a Different Color Hides the Fact that you are a Copy Cat

I love having the option of buying something in a different color this way I don't look like a copy cat, that's why I bought it in blue. It is like when you are keeping up with the Jones at least you don't look like you completely ripped off their idea. No way I didn't know you had that, yeah me too but mine is totally different cause it is fucken blue...