The Easter Bunny

Mikey wants to know how the Easter Bunny gets in the house, because Santa comes down the chimney. So how does a big bunny get in?..... I said it is magic! Mikey replies Magic doesn't open doors......... My reply was "It's fucken Magic Mikey!"

PG13 with the Kids

Yes my children are young like 4, 5 and 8... But I allow them to watch PG13 movies... Why because it is the only thing that catches their interest and will keep them still for more then 5 mins.

Fat Girls at Abercrombie

I love watching fat girls go into Ambercrombie and try to fit in the clothing. Nothing amuses me more than a shattered self imagine and the need to go on a diet. Well the size 2 jeans didn't fit off to the food court.

I am wondering if farting could prevent hypothermia?

Could the warmth of a fart prevent hypothermia? Could your gas be so warm that it helps to warm your soon to be freezing body.

Who said?

I was pondering the saying " going to drop the kids off at the pool?" Who was the first person to say that? How does that relate to taking a crap? Then it occurred to me, kids are little shits!

I love when people don't get things

I love the way people look when they "JUST DON'T GET IT". They have this look in their eye similar to a retarded kids that lost the event in the special olympics. They have a certain glaze and they seem to disconnect from the situation so that they end up not completely going bat shit and freaking the fuck out. And they look at you for some sort of verification that they are not stupid. They say things like "This thing is fucken impossible. Do you get it?" And I usually concur just to make them feel good about themselves.

Buying Stuff in a Different Color Hides the Fact that you are a Copy Cat

I love having the option of buying something in a different color this way I don't look like a copy cat, that's why I bought it in blue. It is like when you are keeping up with the Jones at least you don't look like you completely ripped off their idea. No way I didn't know you had that, yeah me too but mine is totally different cause it is fucken blue...

While Reading Adult Gigs on Craigslist

Why was I reading adult gigs some might ask? Cause I am perverted and it is amusing.... But I stumbled upon a post that was quite interesting........ The post read: Bi Curious female wanting to sell lesbian virginity.

Why would you pay a bitch that obviously doesn't know what she is doing? She is charging for something that she doesn't even know if she likes..

Facebook Comments

It is hard to tell someone how you feel when they are in front of you... So I what I like about facebook is when a parent post a picture of their child and is like "Awwww isn't he so cute"? You can be honest and not feel awkward. It is amusing to see how everyone else lies though. Under the photo you will see he is so cute. That is the best picture ever...

My comment, "Wow! Your kid is ugly I hope you keep that monster in the house...".

Huckle Buck?

My friend recently asked me what huckle buck means so I looked it up:

Huckle buck when you A. Put a girls legs behind her head or B. When you stick your dick in a persons mouth when they least expect it.

So my friend is like how do you stick your dick ones mouth when they least expect it.

I say at a party a girl is a little drunk and talking most likely about herself getting a little loud and you come up behind them shot Their name and popporoni you got dickinyourmouth stew

$80 Drugstore Trip

So I recently went to the drugstore to pick up my heart medication. I guess something was messed up with my insurance and they where about to charge me $80... For a drug that doesn't even fuck you up...... I politely said if they trade it for percet or vicoden I will gladly pay the $80....

Geotagging

I am so pissed cause my camera is not geotagging my photos how the hell am I suppose to know where I'm at when I take the picture.

T9 Text

T9 just replaced my text message from the word rain with rape.... How are these two word remotely close? I want to type rain... Our plans are ruined because of rain... not rape.

My T9 text predictor is on crack I will write something and it will try and predict that I am writing Fuck or Shit.. I am just saying hi!

Sluts not Whores

These are trying times.... Right now we are on the verge of an economic down fall.... Cutting costs in your daily life is very important.... That is why I am taking steps to cut my monthly costs... First thing to go is whores... They cost to much... But I am replacing them with sluts... Sluts in a sense are free... But a little more maintenance.... Whore's are more professional to them its a job... Sluts are tricky, they are usually bad decision makers when they are drunk.... So when they wake up they draw certain conclusions........ Like you are now boyfriend and girlfriend and it's like hey slut.... ummmm lower your voice my wife might hear you and not cook me dinner..... So be careful it might cost more in the long run........

Tagging People on Facebook

It drives me crazy when the photo is only half tagged on facebook. So while reviewing my friends photo albums I noticed that one of the people in the picture was not tagged, one out of 6 in the picture was not tagged. Now I didn't remember his name but I did remember that my friends had fucked this guy.... So I labeled it "Some Random Guy (insert name) Fucked While Seeing Her Soon to be Husband). I didn't know that that would cause a problem.... or that her husband had seen my tag and became upset... I was clearly trying to tag everyone in the album....

The Daddy and Daughter Dance

I must say that I set the bar kind of high, since I grew up on Long Island, New York and each year I would watch as my father would dress up for the dance with my sister. This being my first daddy and daughter dance I must say it was organized excellently (by my neighbor, one might add). She ran the dance floor and the party events like a well oiled machine, and reminded me of my mother. My mother who would always volunteer to set up events to the point where it stressed her the fuck out but she acted so calm, but you could tell at any moment she could snap. All said and done I must say the smile on my daughter's face will last for weeks. and has restored me to her good graces..... The DANCE was a BLAST!!!!! AND WE CAN'T WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR!!

2 Mega Pixel Penis

Around the office lately some people have been getting into a bit of trouble for taking racey pictures of their parts and sending them on their phones to others. Now the part that boggles my mind is why would you take a 2MP picture of your penis? I have advised everyone that I only film my penis in HD. High definition penis.... My penis will not fit on 2 mega pixels. It should be viewed in all it's glory...