Freedom

I love how Chase has a credit card called Freedom..... And the theme song that goes with it.. Free to do what I want any ole time..... While sitting in my dentist office one of the patients pulled out his Freedom card...... I heard the office manager politely tell him. Sir the card is declined. Well I guess it's not so Free when you owe $5000 in credit card debt..........

Sex

Sex for me has never really been a marathon... It is usually a spirt... I get get runner cram real quick and i am not one for endurance. But my wife is all in to four play now and it's like I married you or any woman so that we no longer had to do this bullshit... So I am now setting her phone reminders to vibrate and say time for lovin... so it is like the vibrations is the four play. has does that turn you on baby....

The wife is still hounding me about romance... So I ask her simple questions for example "want to ride my pony?" nothing is romantic like horseback riding..... gidddeee up...

Labeling........

Ever notice everyone has to label you......... People have to make you fit into a certain category...... Black or white... Simple....... Jewish or Christian... basic......... Fat or Ugly............. Well recently I have been labeled the alcoholic at work.... People are so harsh... Just because I put vodak in my water bottle and usually slur my words before noon doesn't mean I don't put in a productive work day... So they tried to do an intervention and I was like fuck you that is your insurance premium that is gonna go up if I get help bitches... So you helping me is basically fucking yourselfs.... They no longer label me anymore.....

I Don't Beat My Children Enough!

I will admit that I don't smack my children enough.... I feel their are certain times when you should really smack them on the butt and I never have the heart to do it.... But when they set in the street or almost touch the oven, I have no problem smacking them then. I feel if the pain they could receive like getting hit by a car is worse it makes it easy to smack them.

My middle child doesn't flinch when I smack him. If you look in his eyes he goes to this special place in his head... He is three years old and already has a special place to go to. Then when I am done he looks up at me with a smirk in his eyes and if I could read his mind he is saying "that's all you got PUSSY!"

So I am using a different strategy.... I am now telling my kids I am giving them away if they aren't good. And that seems to work... I have them in tears..... When my mom use to say that to me I was like please bitch we don't have cable television. Maybe the home you send me too will have MTV...

I Got Married So I Don't Have to Read Directions Anymore!

Why read when you have a wife. That's her job. She needs to figure it out and just give you cliff notes.

Cheating

Honestly.... Who the hell isn't cheating nowadays...... I feel like I am the only schmuck that is not fucking around on my wife. Hookers don't count cause 1. you pay them. 2. they don't enjoy it. and 3. its like their job.. Cheating involves both parties enjoying a good solid fuck together.... But really... People who cheat are selfish... at least if you cheat on your wife have the girl cook her some dinner once in a while, maybe clean up the place, do some laundry.... And if your cheating on your husband and the guy is not mowing your lawn, or taking out the thrash, you are a selfish bitch....

McCafe

McCafe... because adding the Mc to anything makes it refined and delicious. Don't get me wrong McDonalds has some really good coffee. But call it coffee don't try to dress it up with McCafe........... McCrap, it craps better cause we added the Mc............

Party like it is 2999

I think if Prince wrote 1999 as just 99 the song might have lived past 1999.... It would of renewed every 100 years... I think I am going to write a song that is way ahead of it's time....... 2999......... the song will be so good it would be like if heaven fucked a retarded girl and by doing so took away the extra chromosome.

Fed Ex lost my package...

It's 2009 and we still haven't mastered shipping........ How does FedEx lose my package....... With all those fancy tracking numbers and a website that lets you track your package...... HOW THE FUCK do you lose a package... you should be tracking the fucken thing. Now I am not bashing Fedex by any means I am sure it happens with all the shipping companies...BUT REALLY.. You lost my package... I am glad I got insurance on it, usually I am a Jew(I really am a Jew,Like Jewish not cheap, but I am cheap too) about that shit... they where like it $2.50 for each additional $100. and my Jewness was like DOOOOONNNTTT.... But thank god I did... Or I would be out $200...

So I call Fed Ex and open a claim.... and the lady was really nice, she says it takes 24 hrs for a tracking specialist to call me back... COOL... So 24 hrs later the tracking guys calls me back.. and you can tell he takes his job way to seriously... He was all like what was in the box? and I could of gone two ways with it... One a freakin bomb.... But not funny and it makes me look stupid cause I called up and claimed it... Like oh my bomb is missing in the mail.... so the other way....... A DILDO... I freakin told the guy I mailed a dildo... jut for shits and giggles... He was really professional about it too. He was like what color is the dildo.... and I so wanted at that moment to say... OH JUST JOKING... I mailed a cell phone... But who asks what color your dildo is... so I said when I pulled it from my ass it is heat sensitive so it was a dark purple... but when it is cold it is usually a light clear see through lavender........ And as if he has heard this before he goes to the next question... he says what is the value of the contents in the package?............ I pause and like have no idea how to respond... The dildo was $100 as fucks r us...... the ky to lube it on was about $5... but my anal juice which I expressed shipped so it would still be warm, that my friend is priceless....... so i will take my $200 and shove it up my ass again.......

The Porno Fairy Did It!

So my sister in-law goes snooping on my brothers computer.... Only to find certain things download to his hard drvie... The kind of stuff that makes you hard and then want to drive (your dick into your wife). Hard Drive... Anyway.... So she find porno on his computer and the pussy my brother is.... complete denies it.... "That's not mine?" I don't watch that stuff............. And with a straight face he tell his wife the "PORNO FAIRY did it" She must of magically got access to his computer and downloaded porn......

I Have A Complex!

I seem to have a major complex... It is similar to people who have bulimia but the opposite. I look in the mirror and think I am skinny and sexy.. Instead of fat and need to purge like people who have bulimia. But the scale and Nintendo Wii Fit seem to say I could maybe possible I am OBESE.... and I should stop eating so much.... But I live in America the land of the FOOD.... And I love gorging my pie hole with as much food as I can until I feel like I am going to hurl.. Then I wait a half and hour and eat some more......

People in third world countries are so lucky... They don't have to worry about being on a diet.... Or not eating to much food... Or that their shoes are not longer in the fashion.......... God blessed them with none of those stressors... They worry about the easy stuff like water not being contaminated.... Which at least it doesn't taste all chloriney like our water...... I am sure there water taste better then that, plus all the bacteria adds protein..............

Children Toy's are Pieces of Crap!

I would love to speak with a toy designer or the morons that through pieces of plastic together and call them toys... Do they tests these toys on kids that don't have arms and can't fucken play with toys.... Anyone that has seen a kid play knows the shit is going to be hurled to the ground several time....... Christmas morning my children had managed to break at least three toys with in two seconds of opening the box. Then they look at me to fix the shit... In certain instances it is possible and in other instances I am to busy playing Nintendo Wii to give a damn.... I bought you or Santa brought you the toys to leave me alone today...... I always blame the crap toys on Santa... Guess he isn't building em like he use to... Cheap Prick....

Adding Value to your Bachelor Party: Strippers or Hookers?

I don't know if this is the sign of the Apocalypse or my sister has become a Jedi mind warrior but she managed to get some schmuck to agree to marry her...... By schmuck I mean a pretty good guy that is really cool... but stupid cause he listens to her bullshit.....

Now I made a pretty big mistake.... While I was drunk and right in front of my sister I started planning my soon to be Brother In-laws bachelor party..... And of course it involved STRIPPERS! Like who has a bachelor party and doesn't go to a strip club or have a stripper come to the party.... My wife will only allow me to partake in any strip club goings if it falls under the bachelor party clause! SO ANY BACHELOR PARTY I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT! And we are going to see some tits and ass from some slutty girl that takes off her clothes in exchange for money.... SIMPLE, CLEAN, FUN............

Back to my sister and her objection to strippers.... so like a dumb-ass I mention strippers and my sister with her super woman like hearing from across the fucken room.... in mind conversation... looks at me with laser bolts coming from her eyes..... the music stops abruptly like in the movies and the bitch says "OH HELL TO THE MOTHER FUCKEN NO!" You are not going to a strip club!!!! Then she looks at my wife for confirmation... like my wife has my balls in a vice grip.....

So of course I promised we where not going to a strip club... Under any circumstances.... I promise I will not take John to strip club for his bachelor party, and I managed to slip in "Cause my wife has my dick in her purse."

Now, I was screwed and my back was against the wall. I wanted to throw a killer fucken party, but how do you honestly have a killer party with out strippers............. HOOKERS! I had forgotten an important part of the puzzle....... Hookers. and for that matter hookers are a better deal... You're not $50 deep into them before you get to sexually advance like hooker (Lapdance, drinks, lapdance, then maybe advance to third base)... You are already there with hookers and I feel you really GET MORE BANG FOR YOUR BUCK........ So hookers it is for the bachelor party... I have to see what the group rate is... three stick limit?

Technology is Great for Family Films

My wife is obsessed with taking pictures of the kids and filming every single second that exists in their life. I used to say it was because she was an alcoholic and needed to take pictures to remember what happened the next day. But until we had the ability to connect the film to the computer is always seemed less magical, it seemed more like I was dick and hated doing shit. I am very vocal and when she was like let's take pictures or say hi to the camera, I would say fuck you and leave me alone "b" word..... Or you could hear me yelling in the background at the children "Sit still, don't touch that, stop hitting your brother, DON'T FUCKEN TOUCH THAT! DON'T FUCKEN DO THAT!" So looking back it really painted me as the bad guy..... Or like a completely fucked up dad....... It was always rather uncomfortable to watch....

Until recently when my wife decides to set our memories to music, and she made this big production out of old family films and pictures, now we look like the perfect family, fucken "Leave It to Beaver". So technology is great for family films it hides the verbal abuse and portrays our life as what seems to be a good time.......

My Father Inlaw

I would say my father inlaw and I have a special relationship..... I knocked up his daughter at 15 years old and he allows me to keep living....... That is the set up. But I think he might be warming up to me after three kids and almost 10 years... One day maybe I will slip in the D word.... That is Dad not divorce....... Although I have a feeling he would appreciate the last one more.......

The Bucket Smells Like Urine

As I was walking up the hall to my office I passed the janitors staff in the process of.... Well doing what they do... Cleaning the bathrooms.. Which I am grateful for when I sit in a super clean toilet to shit... Or when I piss it smells fresh and pleasant. My home away from home. Sometimes I just sit in there to avoid my employees... Watch so youtube on my phone.

But as I rounded the corner I smelled this unpleasant rather quite awful smell... It was the bucket they mop the floor with... It smelled like the most stale urine, it smelled like my grandfather nursing home before they shut it down for health code violation. It was the most foulest odor my nose had ever grabbed and it kung fu chopped my nasal cavity and said fuck you. I almost vomited when I walked by. If they are using that smelly mop of piss in my safe haven, home away from home, I am going to flip out.

Office Culture

Living in a cubicle 40 hours a week for what seems to be the rest of your life. I often ponder the fact that this is where you go after McDonald's and I feel it doesn't taste as good as a chicken mcnugget. At least at McDonald's you were burning the calories. In the cubicle 180 lbs today 260 lbs a month later.

But the repetitive nature that exists of constantly chasing numbers. Trying to reach a goal each month grows tiresome. Encouragement can only go so far.

Birthday Party Gift's

I am a huge fan of beggars can't be chooser's. But when you are an
eight year old girl and it is your birthday you expect more from a gift.
Recently my daughter was invited to a birthday party. The mother
corresponded with my wife through email letting us know to expect an invitation
from my daughter when she arrived home. Our family is new to the area
so my wife emailed the mother back to ask what she wants for her
birthday.

Now here is the most messed up, conspiracy two moms could boil up.....
Books.... Fucking books.... Who gets an 8 year old a book on her
birthday. And my wife played in to it and bought the poor little girl
books..... Happy Birthday read a book.................

Chik-fila for Jesus!

The term that is always thrown is What would Jesus Do........ Well, What would Jesus do if he owned a Multi-Million Company ummm..... Not stay closed on Sunday..... Jesus might of been a Messiah, but if we break that down to dollars and cents today he is CEO of one of the richest religions out there. So what kind of crap is that, you can't get a waffle fries on Sunday? If I want a grilled chicken sandwich on Sunday morning I am out of luck....... Chik-fila is losing good money by not being open on Sunday.....

What is the male version of Camel toe?

You never hear anyone talk about the opposite of Camel toe! Camel toe being when a girl wears clothing that is tight enough to highlight the lips of her vagina. The pants are so tight that they make her vagina cleverly resembling a toe of a Camel... I guess.... Well what is the opposite of camel toe.... I live in a community with a bunch of health freaks that go out with ball huggers. So instead of Camel toe! I call it CAMEL HUMP! The male version of Camel toe.

The Perfect Strap

From the makers of The Perfect Strap. "Camel Toe Cover".......... Now you can make your boobs bigger and hide your camel toe at the same time.............

7% chance

My other friend recently had his child tested to see if he is the father. He had been taking care of the kids for a year and his girlfriend and him started to fight. So he decided to test the child to see if it was his.............. The results are 7% chance he is the child......... 7% not 90% not even 50%...... His child has a higher chance of being  the off spring of a goat or some other woodland creature.... But 7% is far from even remotely being in the human race...................

Fat girls at the club

Little secret at the club... always go for the fat girls.... They are way more freaky cause they fuck like they got something to prove.... Is that obesity or you have another friend with you...............

I love kids! (At least my kids anyway)

So when I had my first child that was my real first interaction with children. She was the apple of my eye. Well behaved, perfect, and did no wrong..... So this idea of how I love kids started growing. I was like kids are awesome and I love them... I am totally cool with children. Basically in my head I was stereotyping my one child and how pretty and fun she was and build this idea that all kids where like that.... Then she started making friends and having children over the house.... Winey, ugly, smell, and hungry children...... It was then I realized I loved my children and that was it.......... Then I had two more children... BOYS....... Then I realized I loved one child... Daddy's little girl.... And I love the boys part time.... When they are sleeping and napping........... 

Relationship or Three Night Stand

My friend recently got out of this horrible relationship. Well I wouldn't classify it as a relationship. My wife refers to him as the bachelor. His idea of a relationship is if he has sexual relations with a girl more then once they are in a relationship or how he delicately puts it "If I fuck a girl more then once, she thinks we are dating"........ 

Now in this story I broke the cardinal rule of wingmaness. I hooked him up with a complete psycho, knowing she was completely crazy. She was a coworker who was constantly crying and complaining about life and unfortunately I have a wife that complains to me and I do not need two women crying on my shoulder. I noticed after 8 hours of her complaining I would be completely drained and I was not able to listen to my wife bitch anymore....... Not good... So I decided to hook her up with my bachelor friend in the hopes he would occupy her for a while....

But in my defense and before I hooked them up I warned him several times and specifically told him "She is crazy, Hit it and run(not hit it and quit it, run as fast as you can and maybe change your name), and possible stalker." But he loves a challenge so it was on.....  

Now before they go out that night I specifically tell him she is a one night bitch. You fuck her once and call it a day, if you show interest you will be trapped. So first night he doesn't bust his nut..... So feeling that she owes him that nut, he gives it another go...... Well she is a one night girl... "Lonely, cat lady, born to be a hit and quit girl." So when they hook up again she is under the impression that they are dating. By the third and last fuck she is naming there children...... 

The night of the last fuck once she falls asleep he leaves in the middle of the night. She blasts him on text explaining that by him leaving in the middle of the night made her feel like a cheap whore. He cleverly turns that fight around on her saying he couldn't sleep with all the cats making noise and cut the relationship clean without a stalker............ And the moral of the story is she no longer bitches to me about her relationship woes because I hooked them up....... 

The first time we brought my youngest son to church

We aren't frequent church goers. But we still want our children to have the religious education. The church we go to has a huge Jesus statue in the front where the Priest stands. The statue is enormous. When you walk into the room it is the only thing you see. 

So we walk into church about to take our seats and my middle son looks up, points at the huge Jesus Statue and says "Look it's a MONSTER!" 

Romance

My wife and I have been married almost 7 years. As the years go on she is always complaining that we no longer are romantic with each other. I honestly don't remember when we were romantic to begin with, but whatever keeps her holding on to the marriage.  She hates that we plan every detail of our life even sex. To the extent that I program in her phone calender "Time for Love making with the Hubby"... With three kids it is hard to have a spontaneous love life. She especially hates when I say "Let's have sex" or "Let's fuck." Or my new Web 2.0 quote "Permission for Insertion" said in a robotic voice and I end it in a robotic voice again by saying "Insertion cumplete" or "Dropped the load in the Mothership"......