Sunday, August 30, 2009

Messed Up Parenting Tip # 54 Teaching Your Child Failure Is Not An Option

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Messed Up Parenting Tip #53 Don’t Hug Your Children You Might Get Lice

Sunday, May 3, 2009


Marriage is like a vagina when it stops feeling good it's time to move on. For a long time I would introduce my wife as such "Hello, this is my first wife, Jenny." But it was for all fun and games until I realize she didn't cook me dinner tonight, then I started questioning everything. The foundation of our happy marriage rest upon two certainties, 1. I always have a meal on the table upon entering from a long day of hard work (i.e sitting at my desk for 8 hrs looking like I am working). 2. I always have a pair of fresh underwear when I get ready for work..... Both have failed today....... In this hard economy it is important to have a fresh pair of bloomers because at and minute you could be laid off and shitting your pants. Have you ever shit your pants when they where already dirty. Disguising!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Awkward Public Situation

I find it amusing that some of my most social and outward friends are often so weird and quiet in the bathroom. It seems to be the one place that is often more verbally quiet then the library. I say verbal only because certain other sounds of farts and the obvious results of farts a kerplunk a dump momma shit....... So I love to break the normal routine of the day by walking into a Men's bathroom, heading straight to the urinal, propping both arms on the urinal stall walls in a relaxed look, and screaming at the top of my lungs "It Burns! It fucken Burns like razor blades." Sometimes I add a bit of an English accent for flavor!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I really wish suicide was an option for me. Not in a cry for help way or a dramatic look at me I need attention but more for a good nights rest for eternity. I don't feel like I am getting enough sleep and I feel like that might be a solution. Death! I have also gone casket shopping for the most comfortable Sealy's mattress lined caskets.... Cause when you are sleeping forever that shit has to be top notch. I want to snuggle up in my casket and get some eternal shut eye...

Friday, April 10, 2009

Facebook IM

I hate when your friends on facebook instant message you... That is such an invasion of privacy. Its like if I really liked you I would have your fucken number and I would text you! If I considered you a friend then I would have you blackberry messenger address and I would BB message you! I don't come and shit on your lawn why would you shit on my facebook with your invasive ways!

Drugs = Fun

Drugs aren't bad. Think about it? How can something so fun really be bad? Well I guess if you don't count possible death as a side effect. Drugs are still number one for recreation. It's just when you start doing other stuff like stealing of sucking dick that's when it's a problem.

Hooker IOU

Ever give a hooker an IOU it gets kind of ugly quick. But I am sorry you are stupid if you don't get the money up front. The bitch gets all upset like I need my money now to give to her pimp or something.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


I always encounter some kind of weirdness in GA. First it was a guy that just talked funny. Then one trip we made a pit stop and as my dick was in my hand and I was peeing. This guy walks into the bathroom and asks if I am almost done.... Like my dick has an indicator that fucken tells me how much urine I have left. But today takes the fucken cake.... While I was pumping my gas.... Just all alone minding my fucken business. The gas station attendant starts reading me hymns from the bible....... I politely told him I was a Jew.... Then he started reading from the old testaments..... WEIRD!

Friday, March 27, 2009

The Easter Bunny

Mikey wants to know how the Easter Bunny gets in the house, because Santa comes down the chimney. So how does a big bunny get in?..... I said it is magic! Mikey replies Magic doesn't open doors......... My reply was "It's fucken Magic Mikey!"

Saturday, March 21, 2009

PG13 with the Kids

Yes my children are young like 4, 5 and 8... But I allow them to watch PG13 movies... Why because it is the only thing that catches their interest and will keep them still for more then 5 mins.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Fat Girls at Abercrombie

I love watching fat girls go into Ambercrombie and try to fit in the clothing. Nothing amuses me more than a shattered self imagine and the need to go on a diet. Well the size 2 jeans didn't fit off to the food court.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I am wondering if farting could prevent hypothermia?

Could the warmth of a fart prevent hypothermia? Could your gas be so warm that it helps to warm your soon to be freezing body.

Who said?

I was pondering the saying " going to drop the kids off at the pool?" Who was the first person to say that? How does that relate to taking a crap? Then it occurred to me, kids are little shits!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I love when people don't get things

I love the way people look when they "JUST DON'T GET IT". They have this look in their eye similar to a retarded kids that lost the event in the special olympics. They have a certain glaze and they seem to disconnect from the situation so that they end up not completely going bat shit and freaking the fuck out. And they look at you for some sort of verification that they are not stupid. They say things like "This thing is fucken impossible. Do you get it?" And I usually concur just to make them feel good about themselves.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Buying Stuff in a Different Color Hides the Fact that you are a Copy Cat

I love having the option of buying something in a different color this way I don't look like a copy cat, that's why I bought it in blue. It is like when you are keeping up with the Jones at least you don't look like you completely ripped off their idea. No way I didn't know you had that, yeah me too but mine is totally different cause it is fucken blue...

While Reading Adult Gigs on Craigslist

Why was I reading adult gigs some might ask? Cause I am perverted and it is amusing.... But I stumbled upon a post that was quite interesting........ The post read: Bi Curious female wanting to sell lesbian virginity.

Why would you pay a bitch that obviously doesn't know what she is doing? She is charging for something that she doesn't even know if she likes..

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Facebook Comments

It is hard to tell someone how you feel when they are in front of you... So I what I like about facebook is when a parent post a picture of their child and is like "Awwww isn't he so cute"? You can be honest and not feel awkward. It is amusing to see how everyone else lies though. Under the photo you will see he is so cute. That is the best picture ever...

My comment, "Wow! Your kid is ugly I hope you keep that monster in the house...".

Monday, March 9, 2009

Huckle Buck?

My friend recently asked me what huckle buck means so I looked it up:

Huckle buck when you A. Put a girls legs behind her head or B. When you stick your dick in a persons mouth when they least expect it.

So my friend is like how do you stick your dick ones mouth when they least expect it.

I say at a party a girl is a little drunk and talking most likely about herself getting a little loud and you come up behind them shot Their name and popporoni you got dickinyourmouth stew

$80 Drugstore Trip

So I recently went to the drugstore to pick up my heart medication. I guess something was messed up with my insurance and they where about to charge me $80... For a drug that doesn't even fuck you up...... I politely said if they trade it for percet or vicoden I will gladly pay the $80....

Sunday, March 8, 2009


I am so pissed cause my camera is not geotagging my photos how the hell am I suppose to know where I'm at when I take the picture.

T9 Text

T9 just replaced my text message from the word rain with rape.... How are these two word remotely close? I want to type rain... Our plans are ruined because of rain... not rape.

My T9 text predictor is on crack I will write something and it will try and predict that I am writing Fuck or Shit.. I am just saying hi!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Sluts not Whores

These are trying times.... Right now we are on the verge of an economic down fall.... Cutting costs in your daily life is very important.... That is why I am taking steps to cut my monthly costs... First thing to go is whores... They cost to much... But I am replacing them with sluts... Sluts in a sense are free... But a little more maintenance.... Whore's are more professional to them its a job... Sluts are tricky, they are usually bad decision makers when they are drunk.... So when they wake up they draw certain conclusions........ Like you are now boyfriend and girlfriend and it's like hey slut.... ummmm lower your voice my wife might hear you and not cook me dinner..... So be careful it might cost more in the long run........

Tagging People on Facebook

It drives me crazy when the photo is only half tagged on facebook. So while reviewing my friends photo albums I noticed that one of the people in the picture was not tagged, one out of 6 in the picture was not tagged. Now I didn't remember his name but I did remember that my friends had fucked this guy.... So I labeled it "Some Random Guy (insert name) Fucked While Seeing Her Soon to be Husband). I didn't know that that would cause a problem.... or that her husband had seen my tag and became upset... I was clearly trying to tag everyone in the album....

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Daddy and Daughter Dance

I must say that I set the bar kind of high, since I grew up on Long Island, New York and each year I would watch as my father would dress up for the dance with my sister. This being my first daddy and daughter dance I must say it was organized excellently (by my neighbor, one might add). She ran the dance floor and the party events like a well oiled machine, and reminded me of my mother. My mother who would always volunteer to set up events to the point where it stressed her the fuck out but she acted so calm, but you could tell at any moment she could snap. All said and done I must say the smile on my daughter's face will last for weeks. and has restored me to her good graces..... The DANCE was a BLAST!!!!! AND WE CAN'T WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR!!

Monday, March 2, 2009

2 Mega Pixel Penis

Around the office lately some people have been getting into a bit of trouble for taking racey pictures of their parts and sending them on their phones to others. Now the part that boggles my mind is why would you take a 2MP picture of your penis? I have advised everyone that I only film my penis in HD. High definition penis.... My penis will not fit on 2 mega pixels. It should be viewed in all it's glory...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Four Hour Training to Sit in a Chair

Ergonomics training is a four hour class that teaches you how to properly sit in a fucken chair... I would love to know how much the company I work for paid to send us on this waste of a day class.

This lady walks into class and very serously tries to explain why sitting in a chair is important.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Chris Brown Brings New Meaning to His Hit Song 'No Air'.....

I think the lyric is how are you going to breath without me? Well Chris I guess with out you choking me and closing my larynx I will have no problem breathing without you...... NO AIR! NO AIR!..... She gets no air when you are smackin a bitch.......

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Ban All Kellogg's Products as Munchie Foods

Why should we partake in a product that doesn't support a person the partakes in weed. I will no longer support Kellogg's because of them dropping Michael Phelps. And if you read the list of products they are pretty yummy munchies foods.... WOAH!!!!!!!!!

I am Outraged at the People who are Outraged at Michael Phelps

I think people are outraged because they realize that all those stupid Pot commercials are wrong... It's like: If you smoke pot you will grow up and do nothing... You will sit on the coach all day and accomplish shit.... YEAH! Except fucken 8 GOLD METALS..... But come on... who does not have a picture of themselves smoking a bong.... This picture is as important as a picture with Santa or a picture with Mickey Mouse.... You have to have a picture smoking a bong... But shame on Kellogg's for not standing by Phelps.........

I officially declare a ban on all Kellogg products as munchie food. If you smoke pot you are not allowed to eat such munchies staples like Cheez-its or Famous Amos, OR THE MOST SATISFYING MUCHIE FOOD MOFUGIN KEEBLER FUCKEN FUDGE SHOP COOKIES!!! Actually after reviewing Kellogg's site I have found several munchie favorites.

Road Rage

I hate living in the town I work in. I have always lived quite a distance away from my co-workers. Unfortunately I suffer from extreme road rage and I will often find myself cursing out the slow ass driver in front of me only to find out it is a co-worker, a poor old lady, Mrs. Smegle, and AS I called her a fat fucken whore.... I will find myself flipping the bird and honking my horn, and as she calming and slowly looks over to see who it is, adjusting her glasses and focusing her eyes, I find myself quickly turning the bird into a friendly wave, and my face from a disgruntled, enraged driver into a friendly smile.... Hi Mrs. Smegle, How the fuck are ya! Push the gas you fucken bitch I mudder under my breath.

I love how everyone I know complains

Everyone, everyone, every single person I knows complains about money and how broke they are. Oh I don't know how I am going to pay rent, I have blown through both paychecks this month.... This sentence or conversation then goes onto about 15 things that they bought or are going to buy that they don't fucken need.

I bought this new boots they are awesome. Or check out my new watch. I have to get this new shirt it is awesome. Oh want to go out to eat tonight. Let's drop $50 on sushi and liquor.

And I have no money usually turns into, oh check out my new cell phone, it is freaken awesome and cost $100 more a month.... Man I can't pay my electric this month. I am however typing this on my Blackberry Storm that I can barely afford so I totally include myself in everyone.

Also I love the people I know at work. Whenever an event happens such as Birthdays, Boss's day, and type of donations they never have money but when it is their birthday you all know it and better get them a card. You ask them, hey want to chip in $2 for pizza, no I don't have it, but they just bought a brand new car....

Friday, January 23, 2009


I love how Chase has a credit card called Freedom..... And the theme song that goes with it.. Free to do what I want any ole time..... While sitting in my dentist office one of the patients pulled out his Freedom card...... I heard the office manager politely tell him. Sir the card is declined. Well I guess it's not so Free when you owe $5000 in credit card debt..........

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Sex for me has never really been a marathon... It is usually a spirt... I get get runner cram real quick and i am not one for endurance. But my wife is all in to four play now and it's like I married you or any woman so that we no longer had to do this bullshit... So I am now setting her phone reminders to vibrate and say time for lovin... so it is like the vibrations is the four play. has does that turn you on baby....

The wife is still hounding me about romance... So I ask her simple questions for example "want to ride my pony?" nothing is romantic like horseback riding..... gidddeee up...


Ever notice everyone has to label you......... People have to make you fit into a certain category...... Black or white... Simple....... Jewish or Christian... basic......... Fat or Ugly............. Well recently I have been labeled the alcoholic at work.... People are so harsh... Just because I put vodak in my water bottle and usually slur my words before noon doesn't mean I don't put in a productive work day... So they tried to do an intervention and I was like fuck you that is your insurance premium that is gonna go up if I get help bitches... So you helping me is basically fucking yourselfs.... They no longer label me anymore.....

Sunday, January 18, 2009

I Don't Beat My Children Enough!

I will admit that I don't smack my children enough.... I feel their are certain times when you should really smack them on the butt and I never have the heart to do it.... But when they set in the street or almost touch the oven, I have no problem smacking them then. I feel if the pain they could receive like getting hit by a car is worse it makes it easy to smack them.

My middle child doesn't flinch when I smack him. If you look in his eyes he goes to this special place in his head... He is three years old and already has a special place to go to. Then when I am done he looks up at me with a smirk in his eyes and if I could read his mind he is saying "that's all you got PUSSY!"

So I am using a different strategy.... I am now telling my kids I am giving them away if they aren't good. And that seems to work... I have them in tears..... When my mom use to say that to me I was like please bitch we don't have cable television. Maybe the home you send me too will have MTV...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

I Got Married So I Don't Have to Read Directions Anymore!

Why read when you have a wife. That's her job. She needs to figure it out and just give you cliff notes.


Honestly.... Who the hell isn't cheating nowadays...... I feel like I am the only schmuck that is not fucking around on my wife. Hookers don't count cause 1. you pay them. 2. they don't enjoy it. and 3. its like their job.. Cheating involves both parties enjoying a good solid fuck together.... But really... People who cheat are selfish... at least if you cheat on your wife have the girl cook her some dinner once in a while, maybe clean up the place, do some laundry.... And if your cheating on your husband and the guy is not mowing your lawn, or taking out the thrash, you are a selfish bitch....


McCafe... because adding the Mc to anything makes it refined and delicious. Don't get me wrong McDonalds has some really good coffee. But call it coffee don't try to dress it up with McCafe........... McCrap, it craps better cause we added the Mc............

Friday, January 16, 2009

Party like it is 2999

I think if Prince wrote 1999 as just 99 the song might have lived past 1999.... It would of renewed every 100 years... I think I am going to write a song that is way ahead of it's time....... 2999......... the song will be so good it would be like if heaven fucked a retarded girl and by doing so took away the extra chromosome.

Fed Ex lost my package...

It's 2009 and we still haven't mastered shipping........ How does FedEx lose my package....... With all those fancy tracking numbers and a website that lets you track your package...... HOW THE FUCK do you lose a package... you should be tracking the fucken thing. Now I am not bashing Fedex by any means I am sure it happens with all the shipping companies...BUT REALLY.. You lost my package... I am glad I got insurance on it, usually I am a Jew(I really am a Jew,Like Jewish not cheap, but I am cheap too) about that shit... they where like it $2.50 for each additional $100. and my Jewness was like DOOOOONNNTTT.... But thank god I did... Or I would be out $200...

So I call Fed Ex and open a claim.... and the lady was really nice, she says it takes 24 hrs for a tracking specialist to call me back... COOL... So 24 hrs later the tracking guys calls me back.. and you can tell he takes his job way to seriously... He was all like what was in the box? and I could of gone two ways with it... One a freakin bomb.... But not funny and it makes me look stupid cause I called up and claimed it... Like oh my bomb is missing in the mail.... so the other way....... A DILDO... I freakin told the guy I mailed a dildo... jut for shits and giggles... He was really professional about it too. He was like what color is the dildo.... and I so wanted at that moment to say... OH JUST JOKING... I mailed a cell phone... But who asks what color your dildo is... so I said when I pulled it from my ass it is heat sensitive so it was a dark purple... but when it is cold it is usually a light clear see through lavender........ And as if he has heard this before he goes to the next question... he says what is the value of the contents in the package?............ I pause and like have no idea how to respond... The dildo was $100 as fucks r us...... the ky to lube it on was about $5... but my anal juice which I expressed shipped so it would still be warm, that my friend is priceless....... so i will take my $200 and shove it up my ass again.......

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Porno Fairy Did It!

So my sister in-law goes snooping on my brothers computer.... Only to find certain things download to his hard drvie... The kind of stuff that makes you hard and then want to drive (your dick into your wife). Hard Drive... Anyway.... So she find porno on his computer and the pussy my brother is.... complete denies it.... "That's not mine?" I don't watch that stuff............. And with a straight face he tell his wife the "PORNO FAIRY did it" She must of magically got access to his computer and downloaded porn......

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I Have A Complex!

I seem to have a major complex... It is similar to people who have bulimia but the opposite. I look in the mirror and think I am skinny and sexy.. Instead of fat and need to purge like people who have bulimia. But the scale and Nintendo Wii Fit seem to say I could maybe possible I am OBESE.... and I should stop eating so much.... But I live in America the land of the FOOD.... And I love gorging my pie hole with as much food as I can until I feel like I am going to hurl.. Then I wait a half and hour and eat some more......

People in third world countries are so lucky... They don't have to worry about being on a diet.... Or not eating to much food... Or that their shoes are not longer in the fashion.......... God blessed them with none of those stressors... They worry about the easy stuff like water not being contaminated.... Which at least it doesn't taste all chloriney like our water...... I am sure there water taste better then that, plus all the bacteria adds protein..............

Children Toy's are Pieces of Crap!

I would love to speak with a toy designer or the morons that through pieces of plastic together and call them toys... Do they tests these toys on kids that don't have arms and can't fucken play with toys.... Anyone that has seen a kid play knows the shit is going to be hurled to the ground several time....... Christmas morning my children had managed to break at least three toys with in two seconds of opening the box. Then they look at me to fix the shit... In certain instances it is possible and in other instances I am to busy playing Nintendo Wii to give a damn.... I bought you or Santa brought you the toys to leave me alone today...... I always blame the crap toys on Santa... Guess he isn't building em like he use to... Cheap Prick....

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Adding Value to your Bachelor Party: Strippers or Hookers?

I don't know if this is the sign of the Apocalypse or my sister has become a Jedi mind warrior but she managed to get some schmuck to agree to marry her...... By schmuck I mean a pretty good guy that is really cool... but stupid cause he listens to her bullshit.....

Now I made a pretty big mistake.... While I was drunk and right in front of my sister I started planning my soon to be Brother In-laws bachelor party..... And of course it involved STRIPPERS! Like who has a bachelor party and doesn't go to a strip club or have a stripper come to the party.... My wife will only allow me to partake in any strip club goings if it falls under the bachelor party clause! SO ANY BACHELOR PARTY I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT! And we are going to see some tits and ass from some slutty girl that takes off her clothes in exchange for money.... SIMPLE, CLEAN, FUN............

Back to my sister and her objection to strippers.... so like a dumb-ass I mention strippers and my sister with her super woman like hearing from across the fucken room.... in mind conversation... looks at me with laser bolts coming from her eyes..... the music stops abruptly like in the movies and the bitch says "OH HELL TO THE MOTHER FUCKEN NO!" You are not going to a strip club!!!! Then she looks at my wife for confirmation... like my wife has my balls in a vice grip.....

So of course I promised we where not going to a strip club... Under any circumstances.... I promise I will not take John to strip club for his bachelor party, and I managed to slip in "Cause my wife has my dick in her purse."

Now, I was screwed and my back was against the wall. I wanted to throw a killer fucken party, but how do you honestly have a killer party with out strippers............. HOOKERS! I had forgotten an important part of the puzzle....... Hookers. and for that matter hookers are a better deal... You're not $50 deep into them before you get to sexually advance like hooker (Lapdance, drinks, lapdance, then maybe advance to third base)... You are already there with hookers and I feel you really GET MORE BANG FOR YOUR BUCK........ So hookers it is for the bachelor party... I have to see what the group rate is... three stick limit?

Technology is Great for Family Films

My wife is obsessed with taking pictures of the kids and filming every single second that exists in their life. I used to say it was because she was an alcoholic and needed to take pictures to remember what happened the next day. But until we had the ability to connect the film to the computer is always seemed less magical, it seemed more like I was dick and hated doing shit. I am very vocal and when she was like let's take pictures or say hi to the camera, I would say fuck you and leave me alone "b" word..... Or you could hear me yelling in the background at the children "Sit still, don't touch that, stop hitting your brother, DON'T FUCKEN TOUCH THAT! DON'T FUCKEN DO THAT!" So looking back it really painted me as the bad guy..... Or like a completely fucked up dad....... It was always rather uncomfortable to watch....

Until recently when my wife decides to set our memories to music, and she made this big production out of old family films and pictures, now we look like the perfect family, fucken "Leave It to Beaver". So technology is great for family films it hides the verbal abuse and portrays our life as what seems to be a good time.......

Saturday, January 10, 2009

My Father Inlaw

I would say my father inlaw and I have a special relationship..... I knocked up his daughter at 15 years old and he allows me to keep living....... That is the set up. But I think he might be warming up to me after three kids and almost 10 years... One day maybe I will slip in the D word.... That is Dad not divorce....... Although I have a feeling he would appreciate the last one more.......

The Bucket Smells Like Urine

As I was walking up the hall to my office I passed the janitors staff in the process of.... Well doing what they do... Cleaning the bathrooms.. Which I am grateful for when I sit in a super clean toilet to shit... Or when I piss it smells fresh and pleasant. My home away from home. Sometimes I just sit in there to avoid my employees... Watch so youtube on my phone.

But as I rounded the corner I smelled this unpleasant rather quite awful smell... It was the bucket they mop the floor with... It smelled like the most stale urine, it smelled like my grandfather nursing home before they shut it down for health code violation. It was the most foulest odor my nose had ever grabbed and it kung fu chopped my nasal cavity and said fuck you. I almost vomited when I walked by. If they are using that smelly mop of piss in my safe haven, home away from home, I am going to flip out.

Office Culture

Living in a cubicle 40 hours a week for what seems to be the rest of your life. I often ponder the fact that this is where you go after McDonald's and I feel it doesn't taste as good as a chicken mcnugget. At least at McDonald's you were burning the calories. In the cubicle 180 lbs today 260 lbs a month later.

But the repetitive nature that exists of constantly chasing numbers. Trying to reach a goal each month grows tiresome. Encouragement can only go so far.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Birthday Party Gift's

I am a huge fan of beggars can't be chooser's. But when you are an
eight year old girl and it is your birthday you expect more from a gift.
Recently my daughter was invited to a birthday party. The mother
corresponded with my wife through email letting us know to expect an invitation
from my daughter when she arrived home. Our family is new to the area
so my wife emailed the mother back to ask what she wants for her

Now here is the most messed up, conspiracy two moms could boil up.....
Books.... Fucking books.... Who gets an 8 year old a book on her
birthday. And my wife played in to it and bought the poor little girl
books..... Happy Birthday read a book.................

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Chik-fila for Jesus!

The term that is always thrown is What would Jesus Do........ Well, What would Jesus do if he owned a Multi-Million Company ummm..... Not stay closed on Sunday..... Jesus might of been a Messiah, but if we break that down to dollars and cents today he is CEO of one of the richest religions out there. So what kind of crap is that, you can't get a waffle fries on Sunday? If I want a grilled chicken sandwich on Sunday morning I am out of luck....... Chik-fila is losing good money by not being open on Sunday.....

Monday, January 5, 2009

What is the male version of Camel toe?

You never hear anyone talk about the opposite of Camel toe! Camel toe being when a girl wears clothing that is tight enough to highlight the lips of her vagina. The pants are so tight that they make her vagina cleverly resembling a toe of a Camel... I guess.... Well what is the opposite of camel toe.... I live in a community with a bunch of health freaks that go out with ball huggers. So instead of Camel toe! I call it CAMEL HUMP! The male version of Camel toe.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Perfect Strap

From the makers of The Perfect Strap. "Camel Toe Cover".......... Now you can make your boobs bigger and hide your camel toe at the same time.............

7% chance

My other friend recently had his child tested to see if he is the father. He had been taking care of the kids for a year and his girlfriend and him started to fight. So he decided to test the child to see if it was his.............. The results are 7% chance he is the child......... 7% not 90% not even 50%...... His child has a higher chance of being  the off spring of a goat or some other woodland creature.... But 7% is far from even remotely being in the human race...................

Fat girls at the club

Little secret at the club... always go for the fat girls.... They are way more freaky cause they fuck like they got something to prove.... Is that obesity or you have another friend with you...............

I love kids! (At least my kids anyway)

So when I had my first child that was my real first interaction with children. She was the apple of my eye. Well behaved, perfect, and did no wrong..... So this idea of how I love kids started growing. I was like kids are awesome and I love them... I am totally cool with children. Basically in my head I was stereotyping my one child and how pretty and fun she was and build this idea that all kids where like that.... Then she started making friends and having children over the house.... Winey, ugly, smell, and hungry children...... It was then I realized I loved my children and that was it.......... Then I had two more children... BOYS....... Then I realized I loved one child... Daddy's little girl.... And I love the boys part time.... When they are sleeping and napping........... 

Relationship or Three Night Stand

My friend recently got out of this horrible relationship. Well I wouldn't classify it as a relationship. My wife refers to him as the bachelor. His idea of a relationship is if he has sexual relations with a girl more then once they are in a relationship or how he delicately puts it "If I fuck a girl more then once, she thinks we are dating"........ 

Now in this story I broke the cardinal rule of wingmaness. I hooked him up with a complete psycho, knowing she was completely crazy. She was a coworker who was constantly crying and complaining about life and unfortunately I have a wife that complains to me and I do not need two women crying on my shoulder. I noticed after 8 hours of her complaining I would be completely drained and I was not able to listen to my wife bitch anymore....... Not good... So I decided to hook her up with my bachelor friend in the hopes he would occupy her for a while....

But in my defense and before I hooked them up I warned him several times and specifically told him "She is crazy, Hit it and run(not hit it and quit it, run as fast as you can and maybe change your name), and possible stalker." But he loves a challenge so it was on.....  

Now before they go out that night I specifically tell him she is a one night bitch. You fuck her once and call it a day, if you show interest you will be trapped. So first night he doesn't bust his nut..... So feeling that she owes him that nut, he gives it another go...... Well she is a one night girl... "Lonely, cat lady, born to be a hit and quit girl." So when they hook up again she is under the impression that they are dating. By the third and last fuck she is naming there children...... 

The night of the last fuck once she falls asleep he leaves in the middle of the night. She blasts him on text explaining that by him leaving in the middle of the night made her feel like a cheap whore. He cleverly turns that fight around on her saying he couldn't sleep with all the cats making noise and cut the relationship clean without a stalker............ And the moral of the story is she no longer bitches to me about her relationship woes because I hooked them up....... 

The first time we brought my youngest son to church

We aren't frequent church goers. But we still want our children to have the religious education. The church we go to has a huge Jesus statue in the front where the Priest stands. The statue is enormous. When you walk into the room it is the only thing you see. 

So we walk into church about to take our seats and my middle son looks up, points at the huge Jesus Statue and says "Look it's a MONSTER!" 


My wife and I have been married almost 7 years. As the years go on she is always complaining that we no longer are romantic with each other. I honestly don't remember when we were romantic to begin with, but whatever keeps her holding on to the marriage.  She hates that we plan every detail of our life even sex. To the extent that I program in her phone calender "Time for Love making with the Hubby"... With three kids it is hard to have a spontaneous love life. She especially hates when I say "Let's have sex" or "Let's fuck." Or my new Web 2.0 quote "Permission for Insertion" said in a robotic voice and I end it in a robotic voice again by saying "Insertion cumplete" or "Dropped the load in the Mothership"......